There comes a time when we experience grief. If we build enough character we then equip ourselves to handle the grief with grace and move on to our next challenge.
Some of us who lack the wealth of character, essentially end up being miserable with grief; only falling lower and lower still. We blame everyone around us as a way to escape the pain and end up slipping further. It is not that we don’t blame ourselves — we loathe ourselves to perfection. We destroy any sense of decency while trying to measure ourselves.
And then, when we have suffered enough or right in the heart of our suffering — we distract ourselves with food, entertainment and pleasure. The misery was in and of itself hard, but the act of distraction buries the pain and the suffering deep within only to raise its hood when we are least prepared. It is not that we enjoy the distraction too, because behind the scenes the monster is gnawing at us reminding us of our worst fears; but then we choose distraction not because it is soothing, but because it is easy!
What else is easy? It is easy to forget. It is easy to forget the pain and suffering we go through. It all soon becomes a thing of past and we soon run back to our addictions and drama justifying every bit of our action. We then not only enjoy the momentary kick out of the action, but within a moment we open the floodgates of guilt and shame as to how we are unfit to bear the simplest of expectations. We are unfit to commit to anything. We are unfit to grow out of and change our situation. We are unfit to live and breathe.
See, this is a day in the inner life of a loser, an addict and possibly a disconnected loner. I don’t mean loner as in a person who stays alone but rather everyone who in spite of having an ecosystem of friends and family deeply knows and feels lonely. At least I know I am not alone in this regard. I am lonely and I know it and I know you are lonely too but how do you deal with it?
The reason I am sure that we are a lonely generation because we all try to change ourselves in secret. We try and try and try and fail and fail and fail miserably and we don’t want the world to know we failed. Our addictions, our miserable inner lives are just ours. We do not have the courage or vulnerability to connect with others to listen to and understand their struggles, because all this makes us weak [or does it?].
So, here we are — a set of lonely, depressed bunch of individuals trying to change or improve themselves failing miserably and then trying to fake it day after day after day in front of friends, family and colleagues only to pretend ”Everything is fine” — while screaming within with no shred of hope of recovery.
This misery my dear friends if you haven’t experienced then, either you are a saint, or living in denial or so deeply anesthetized that you have lost any sense of connect with reality or I am delusional beyond repair. And, if you have you know the pain is real and the misery is unbearable.
And then, when you have to wake up to this misery day after day after day after week after week after month after month after year after year after decade after decade — then you grow tired of being miserable.
This is who I am — I can track at least two decades of this misery, and I don’t know how long or how fresh is your misery — but glad you are here with me. Now what? Where do we go? What do we do?
I have no clue! but just as I said, I am just Tired of being Miserable!