Tired of being forced!
At least, I am! I am tired of being forced, coerced and pushed to do things that are deeply out of sync with who I am and what I wish to do. By “Who I am” and “What I wish to do” — I do not mean silly egoistic tantrums but deep value driven choices that make me different from who you are not in a better or worse way but in curiously interesting way!
To lose myself, through one small act of suppression, sacrifice or silence after another, has brought me to a place where not only am I left with no pieces to sacrifice, but also I have run out of energy, intent or ability to put up with another shrewd, out of bounds and insensitive request from you.
But, who comprises of this You? I mean all of you! Yes — The You at home and the You at work and also You at school and how can I forget the You — my relative and friend. Of course, then there is the Government and the Society in their own crude ways choking my choices and suffocating my options to eat, live, sleep and breathe.
Today, I ask you — What do you get out of forcing me? Why do you have to force me all the time? And yes, as usual you have your intelligent answers — because its is for “my own good” or to “help me become more disciplined” or even as magnanimous as for the “greater good“ of all”. But sometimes you have been honest with me and told me the truth “because that is what friends do”, or “because its part of our culture” and this one is interesting “because who else but you to set an example for others to emulate” and the crowd favorite “because it is fun”. Trust me — it is not fun! At least to me.
Have you ever thought — how it impacts us? How your persistent, entitled and righteous need to force affects us? It is as if you are addicted to pursue force as a tool to push, trigger and anger others. You are intoxicated by the power over others and you only want more of it. You not only practice it but influence others to try it out and develop a taste for the blood. You are involved in building a community of hounds who make us feel so helpless, powerless and resigned to fate that all hope is sucked out of our lives.
It may not interest you, but still I will share it. It makes me feel bitter, lonely, anxious and depressed. It makes me feel scared all the time. Scared to share my thoughts, to question or even remotely dream of challenging your thought. You suffocate, choke and suppress us. You suck the life out of our days and blow sleep away from our nights. It is a torture designed to keep us hooked to believe — “we are good for nothing” and seek your elusive acceptance, applause or appreciation as that “drug” that can finally offer us a moment of peace and acceptance within.
What treachery is this? What madness? Can we not stop this? Can we not finally put an end to this, now that we know it all? Why do I allow myself to be forced? Why do I allow my freedom and choice to be taken for granted? Why do I allow my boundaries to vanish and allow your dirty feet to ruin my sacred space? Why can’t I just say NOOOOOOOOO?
I wish it were that simple! I grew up worshipping YOUR acceptance, appreciation and applause and now you have me hooked. You know how much I crave for it and need it for my basic sustenance and you hold it up on leash to force me to dance to your tunes. How so very mean of you? How so very ruthless and insensitive of you?
Ah! This is when, I imbibe the rebellious spirit in me. I want to fight you, I want to change you. I am going to be magnanimous and kind in my gesture to help you see — “What you do” and make you change your ways for good. Since, who in their right mind would do these mean, atrocious things — right? Right?
Oh, in my arrogance I led myself to believe I could change you. How delusional of me? How arrogant, foolish, naive, irrational of me to even dream of changing you! The world is a “Dog’s Tail” and it is futile to even attempt to straighten it. Honestly, having beaten to the ground by my own arrogance, I felt it to be magnanimous to suffer in silence. To Ignore and choose my battles more carefully — now that I can preach “once bitten; twice shy”.
The only thing left is to “Work on myself”. What does that even mean? The only thing that it could mean to me — for now is to work on my “Courage to be disliked” muscles. Pour in my own energies to build acceptance for my own self. Find some courage to like myself. Find some grace to appreciate myself from time to time. May be, May be! A man is at least allowed to dream!
I hope I develop the courage to say NO — an Empowered NO — where my no is not a measure of “YOUR” rejection but more of a YES to “MY” Values, Choices, Priorities. May I have the courage to bear your short term anger and anguish and not fall back like previous times to back out of my own “NO”. May I have the strength and commitment to my own well-being and not be toxically empathetic to your “Self-inflicted” misery to fall back on my own “YES”.
The guilt of saying NO is hard to handle. I have never had an iota of practice through my childhood to manage it wisely. The guilt of saying no to YOUR tantrums is logically fair but is emotionally outrageous to handle. I have been a people — pleaser and how do I accept myself while I say no to you. What dark magic is this?
It is a long long long way, but I am TIRED of being Pushed and Forced. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t even have the energy to wish you well. But, may be someday, I will recover from my injuries to wish you well, but until then I have reserved energies to not let my anger release on you and end up hurting me further.
If you have survived reading thus far, and you are the abuser — I hope you find the courage to change your ways. I hope you find peace in your heart to spread peace. I hope you don’t let your pain to affect you to spread more pain. I have nothing against you but this deep anguish for your trained blindness to our pain and suffering. May you open your eyes to your own suffering and in turn our suffering becomes visible to you.
And, if you are the abused I hope you find solace that you are not alone and I hope you find courage to accept yourself and the courage to say NO. I hope you and I create a community of enough TIRED folks who have the energy to choose themselves over those whose insensitivities have shaped the world. I hope you take up space and decorate it with kindness, love and hope.
May the Tired ones find the time, space, energy and opportunity to heal. May the Tired ones wake up to their pain and have the courage to say “Enough is Enough”. May the Tired ones find their sacred voice and express it for others to connect and heal. May the Tired ones sleep well at night and finally find a way to live during the day!
